Honest Expression

If I have learned anything in the past year it is simply this; people who do not struggle with infertility care little to hear about it. They do not do this to be mean or callous. Simply, they cannot understand, and it is human nature to avoid what we cannot comprehend. And so I have spent the past year of my life pretending that my every day was not an intense internal battle. I have smiled and joked with others about kids, I have held friend's children in my arms, I have pretended not to notice when people announced their pregnancies, and I have fiend excitement at baby showers. To no avail. Every stinking moment has been shrouded with sorrow, painted with phoniness, and wrapped in the pretty little bow of "No one needs to know."
Every month when that little friend appeared wearing her red cape, I'd pretend I was happy to host her for the week. I've avoided children at grocery stores and church at all costs. I've laid on the ground in my house, in the fetal position, face down, pouring my tears out on that itchy prickly carpet knowing no one could hear my sobs but my dog.
After all of this endurance I have found myself crashing to defeat. And I have felt all alone. But enough is enough. I am done pretending that I do not feel the way that I do. I am done acting as if it does not affect me, to my family and friends. As this year draws to an end (which it will on the 31st of this month) I find myself sickened at this little game.
I will no longer apologize for the truth. I will no longer pretend that this isn't killing me emotionally. It's time to let it all out. And this is where I am going to do it. I am sharing these expressions with you. I hope that by reading this blog you will not feel alone, you will know that I am here crying with you. And if you are not someone struggling with this problem, please read this anyway! Read it so that you too can have empathy for the women and men around you are hurting because of infertility. I am ready to take this on. I hope you will take comfort from it, as I pray it will give me comfort to share it.
~Manifesto