Happy Hunting

This morning I am feeling fine. One of my dearest friends just had a cute cuddly baby girl a few days ago, another old friend is getting an ultrasound to find out her baby's sex, and a friend from church had her baby yesterday. It seems I am just caught in that age, the age of babies. I remember when my husband and I first started trying to conceive I had 19 friends/family members pregnant. 19! I felt like I was in a petting zoo and was the only guest not allowed to touch the animals.I felt as if God was trying to rub my face in my infertility. 

This year has shown good times, hard times, sad times, and angry times. One of the most incredible things that women who struggle with infertility go through are the physical and mental symptoms brought on by the strain and trauma of trying to conceive with no result. The following is a list of things I have noticed about myself throughout the past year:


Physical- 
Let's see, well the biggest one is my gain of 20 lbs. I contribute this to all those sad days when a bagel and cream cheese was the only consolation I could find. Or how about the complete lack of desire to workout. At first I worked my body out hard, as I have done my entire life, sure to keep myself healthy just in case I wound up with a little peanut inside me! Then as month after month of "failure" hit me I quickly lost all desire to exercise. 
Next I would have to list the knots in my back,neck, shoulders. I attribute these to the intense amount of stress a woman undergoes when attempting to conceive. Because every week brings a new schedule for sex, positioning, testing, and so on; you cannot help but feel dizzy and strained. 
Thirdly I will note my sudden terrible acne problem. It is incredible the acne issue I have developed in the past year. No it is not as bad as it could be, in fact someone with diagnosed acne problems would most likely laugh at me for saying I have acne, but I certainly notice it!
Lastly, and perhaps most strange, is the odd months in which my body is signaling that I am pregnant when I am not. This sounds very odd and it is. A few months ago I had morning sickness, my breasts were tender, I was dizzy and uncomfortable, I had slight congestion, and to top it all off my period was over a week late! I kept testing to see if this was my lucky month! My husband was convinced that this was our moment. But...no. The entire experience was very strange. It was as if I had mentally convinced my body to act pregnant because that is what I wanted. 


Physically we go through a lot when experiencing this tremendous obstacle, it is a wonder that we are not completely unhealthy in every way. 
Next post I am going to talk about the mental challenges that I have experienced, and that you have too, throughout this year. And next post you can find out why I am naming these two "Happy Hunting". :)
~Manifesto

Honest Expression

If I have learned anything in the past year it is simply this; people who do not struggle with infertility care little to hear about it. They do not do this to be mean or callous. Simply, they cannot understand, and it is human nature to avoid what we cannot comprehend. And so I have spent the past year of my life pretending that my every day was not an intense internal battle. I have smiled and joked with others about kids, I have held friend's children in my arms, I have pretended not to notice when people announced their pregnancies, and I have fiend excitement at baby showers. To no avail. Every stinking moment has been shrouded with sorrow, painted with phoniness, and wrapped in the pretty little bow of "No one needs to know."
Every month when that little friend appeared wearing her red cape, I'd pretend I was happy to host her for the week. I've avoided children at grocery stores and church at all costs. I've laid on the ground in my house, in the fetal position, face down, pouring my tears out on that itchy prickly carpet knowing no one could hear my sobs but my dog.
After all of this endurance I have found myself crashing to defeat. And I have felt all alone. But enough is enough. I am done pretending that I do not feel the way that I do. I am done acting as if it does not affect me, to my family and friends. As this year draws to an end (which it will on the 31st of this month) I find myself sickened at this little game.
I will no longer apologize for the truth. I will no longer pretend that this isn't killing me emotionally. It's time to let it all out. And this is where I am going to do it. I am sharing these expressions with you. I hope that by reading this blog you will not feel alone, you will know that I am here crying with you. And if you are not someone struggling with this problem, please read this anyway! Read it so that you too can have empathy for the women and men around you are hurting because of infertility. I am ready to take this on. I hope you will take comfort from it, as I pray it will give me comfort to share it.
~Manifesto