Random Thinking

This has been one crazy month for us. Things are happening so quickly, some good some not. This post really isn't about fertility, kids, or family. I'm just feeling expressionate.
It is funny how life teaches lessons; through mistakes, other's mistakes, or through luck. I commonly think about what my purpose here is. My career means a lot to me. My family means even more. Did God know from the get-go that he would trouble me with infertility? Is this just part of my grand tapestry? Or was all of this just fluke...Maybe getting hit in the stomach with one too many soccer balls was my reproductive undoing. Sounds ridiculous. But when you are sitting in my shoes it feels very possible. Was body-building too strenuous on my organs? Or the triathlons? Perhaps my body was troubled by our poor air quality, water pollution, and constant exposure to plastics? The list of possibilities goes on and on and on and on.
This list certainly does not make me feel better. Rather this list makes me feel like I am drowning. Drowning in the ever growing possibilities that something I have done put me in this mess. But I don't believe that this was chance.
I hear people say, "It's just the luck of the draw". But that just simply isn't true. This is all part of some grand plan. My God made this life sketch for me. I certainly don't know why this challenge was included. Ha! It seems so unfair! But I know that God meant for me to experience this. There is some reason...I just have to trek on and find it - I suppose. In reality I look at this issue and realize that I am in the midst of a life changing experience, it seems so surreal. Like watching a car accident in front of your face and not truly recognizing what is happening. I know that this trial compares to many other life changing trials, and is yet smaller in significance than some.
All I can count on is this... God placed this in front of me for a reason. My life will be changed and some lesson will be learned from this. My heart has already changed. I have faith that this was meant to be, not merely a catastrophe in the cosmos of my uterus, this was really plotted. And while that makes me angry one thing is for sure, I have to keep living my life.
So I guess this all boils down to one thing. FAITH. God is trying to teach me faith; and I have never been so faith dependent in my entire life.

Results!

Well my thyroid panel has come back normal. Phew! I was beginning to get worried, each day was mounting a new anxiety about the test results!
The results have however brought some mixed emotions for me...on one hand I was really hoping that my fertility issues could be due to something simple. Not that a thyroid problem is simple by any means! A thyroid issue however is far more simple to fix than; an ovulation problem, implantation problem, etc.(in my opinion). On the other hand I am extremely grateful that my thyroid is healthy. :) I know many women out there are not as lucky.
Now I will be having a full hormone panel done. They will be testing my Luetenizing hormone, Follicle Stimulating Hormone, and so on. My husband is also going to go get a few tests run; i.e. get his semen checked. I thought I was nervous to go to the OB the other day, my husband is all jitters about his semen being tested! Sweet guy. I think maybe he worries that if it is a problem with his reproductive system that I will be turned against his "manhood". He is funny!
Once again...mixed hopes. I hope my body is healthy and normal. But I also hope something simple is the cause of all of this. It is the fear of the unknown. Doing these tests pushes my head to reeling. What if it is not me, what if it is my husband? What if it will cost thousands of dollars to fix it? I don't have that kind of money. These "what if's" seem to be swimming loosely around in my brain- but I insist on remaining positive. I am trying to focus all of my positive energy into my body, and I have faith that one way or another it will all be okay.

~Manifesto

Doctor's Appointment #1... And So It Begins...

Well amidst all the madness occurring around here, I made time to go to the doctor yesterday. I had my regular women's yearly exam. Also, I talked to the OB about this past year and she suggested we go ahead and start doing blood panel testing. I had some blood drawn. We are testing for the usual: FSH, LH, Prolactin, etc. We are also scanning my thyroid. I am so nervous about this next step! I feel like I have been putting off going to a doctor and getting the ball rolling out of fear.
I've been scared that if I go to a doctor and they find something seriously wrong I will have to actually face the fact. But I DID IT! I finally went. A step forward. A cog in my wheel. I am anxious to get these tests back! Fingers crossed!

I also would be extremely negligent and inconsiderate if I did not mention some great news. :) My friend's The Solomon's have possibly found a birth mother who is willing to adopt her bundles (that's rights...twins!) of joy to them. They have been waiting so long for a new addition to their family. Hearing that these two, lovely boys may be going to such a great family really lifts my spirits. The Solomon's deserve this blessing so much! Lots of prayers going out to them.

Fertility Stone

A few months ago my husband's coworker told him about a fertility stone that she wore. Crazy enough, she went to a local stone shop and bought a fertility stone, just because she thought it was pretty. She had no intention of getting pregnant and was not trying whatsoever. The next month her period never came...she was pregnant! She blamed the stone. Hahahaha.

Nick came home and told me about this. I was intrigued! But me, being the skeptical person that I am, pushed this aside and didn't think much of it. This past month I have consistently thought about that story. Today I finally decided, what the heck!? I can use all the help I can get! So I went to a stone shop and bought a fertility figure stone. It is an image of the Venus of Willendorf. She is an ancient figure who was first discovered as a statue in an archeological site in France. She has long been known to bring fertility and health to women. I bought it in a pink stone, pink being the color of feminine reproduction and fertility.

The belief in stone's having healing powers is an ancient practice and belief system. Groups of people from as early as ancient Egypt believed that placing stones on your person or in your home was beneficial. They believed it was beneficial because, in their perspective, Mother Earth could provide all sorts of healing tools (herbs, water, etc.) and stones from the Earth could align your Being better with Mother Earth and therefore increase your peace and health. To me...it makes sense. Who am I to dog this belief system? And heck there is a lot of documentation that shows the benefits. It's worth a try if I get a baby out of it!

Who knows if it will work, but I really like the idea of this little Buddha-looking figure being around my neck; possibly bringing me fertile blessings. :D

~Manifesto

Happy Hunting: Part 2

Well I promised this second edition of "Happy Hunting". And here it is! I will try to hold it together on this one. I know that some of my other posts are hard to read, and today I'm feeling very positive, so I think it will be easy to discuss this. (Maybe easy is not the right word...?)
Without further ado...Here are the mental symptoms I have been experiencing in the past year and few months:
I don't want to list them out casually, I feel that makes my experiences seem like a checklist rather than true feelings. I would have to say that more hard hitting than any emotion I have been experiencing is my sadness. In January of this year it became very apparent to me that I was experiencing Depression, and not just a little twinge of sadness, but true and harrowing Depression (note that I am using a capital D). When Christmas ended and I was off to a new year, with no baby on the way, my life turned upside down. I could not get out of bed, I was eating exorbitant amounts of food, I would cry constantly, being alone was all I wanted, I shoved friends out of my life, I had nightmares, and the list goes on and on. I look back on it and think, wow I am really lucky to have the husband that I do. My husband took it all in stride. He is incredible. He would pull me out of bed and help me dress for the day, he would do the weeks worth of dishes that I just couldn't touch, he would talk me through the tears, hold me through the anger, and always told me I am beautiful. He didn't understand what was going on, neither did I actually, but he proved his love to me even in that (I'm sure hideous) moment. One thing is for sure, I know what Depression feels like, and now I have been given the gift of true empathy for those who are suffering from Depression still.
  Mentally tough? How do you be mentally tough when you feel incapable of performing Mother Nature's call for you? I have always been a mentally strong individual, but infertility completely defeated my abilities. I would look in the mirror at my stomach and weep. I began asking "why?" Why would I be here if I am incapable of producing what my Creator has asked of me?
   I became angry. Like I mentioned before, I was pushing people out of my life left and right. I was losing friendships faster than I was drinking my daily allotment of water! From hindsight I can see how unhealthy that was, what a miserable wretch I was and how unhappy I was making everyone around me! For whatever reason that was how I was coping with my anger...taking it out on others. Then, like a light switch, I realized what I was doing. On one hand I am happy I eliminated the people who did not truly care for me, and found out who really does care. On the other hand I am sad for having pushed those individuals the way I did. My concsience has caught up with me on that one. I suppose there is no better time for reconciliation...
   Infertility; such a sad term. And it happens to include very sad times for the women within its' grasp. It has no mercy. No mercy on the soul, the body, the mind. Eventually the woman experiencing this must move on in one way or another. I see the "moving on options" as pretty clear cut. A. She can live in a sad spiteful world for eternity. B. She can choose to pretend it doesn't bother her. C. She can learn to be at peace with what is going on. Obviously being at peace does not mean there won't be days of sheer Depression and sadness, there undoubtedly will be. But it is a work in progress.


These past two weeks I feel like I have turned a corner. Could I be at peace with this? Has my Faith been renewed in my body? Is it all just a bout of false hope and tomorrow I'll be crying on the stairs again?
I'll tell you about my progress next time. :) But to answer the question about the title: "Why are these posts called 'Happy Hunting'?" Here goes; I have discovered that I am on a Hunt. A Hunt that challenges everything about me. It challenges my spirituality, my Faith, my womanhood, my person. I am Hunting for happiness. This Hunt may be nearing its' end, or it may be just beginning. Isn't that part of the frustration in the Hunt...not knowing if you are close to your prey? I am Hunting for solace, Hunting for answers, Hunting for the fortitude and centralization in myself that will get me through this. Every morning I wake up and think, "Good morning and Happy Hunting."

~Manifesto

Silence in the Barren House

Silence in the Barren House ~
I work hard
I cry harder.
I do my best to keep a smile on my face
at times that seems harder than living itself.
I dream in pinks
blues
or even yellow.
I imagine nurseries, diapers.
Hold a child's hand,
kiss a rosy cheek.
A cry doesn't sound so bad to me,
undoubtedly better than silence.
The silence in my home.
The silence coming from
the lack, lack of youth.
And then I try to imagine my life without one.
The one.
It's empty. It's bleak.
I imagine life without that one
and I see,
my life as it is already; I work hard...
I cry harder.

~ Manifesto

Happy Hunting

This morning I am feeling fine. One of my dearest friends just had a cute cuddly baby girl a few days ago, another old friend is getting an ultrasound to find out her baby's sex, and a friend from church had her baby yesterday. It seems I am just caught in that age, the age of babies. I remember when my husband and I first started trying to conceive I had 19 friends/family members pregnant. 19! I felt like I was in a petting zoo and was the only guest not allowed to touch the animals.I felt as if God was trying to rub my face in my infertility. 

This year has shown good times, hard times, sad times, and angry times. One of the most incredible things that women who struggle with infertility go through are the physical and mental symptoms brought on by the strain and trauma of trying to conceive with no result. The following is a list of things I have noticed about myself throughout the past year:


Physical- 
Let's see, well the biggest one is my gain of 20 lbs. I contribute this to all those sad days when a bagel and cream cheese was the only consolation I could find. Or how about the complete lack of desire to workout. At first I worked my body out hard, as I have done my entire life, sure to keep myself healthy just in case I wound up with a little peanut inside me! Then as month after month of "failure" hit me I quickly lost all desire to exercise. 
Next I would have to list the knots in my back,neck, shoulders. I attribute these to the intense amount of stress a woman undergoes when attempting to conceive. Because every week brings a new schedule for sex, positioning, testing, and so on; you cannot help but feel dizzy and strained. 
Thirdly I will note my sudden terrible acne problem. It is incredible the acne issue I have developed in the past year. No it is not as bad as it could be, in fact someone with diagnosed acne problems would most likely laugh at me for saying I have acne, but I certainly notice it!
Lastly, and perhaps most strange, is the odd months in which my body is signaling that I am pregnant when I am not. This sounds very odd and it is. A few months ago I had morning sickness, my breasts were tender, I was dizzy and uncomfortable, I had slight congestion, and to top it all off my period was over a week late! I kept testing to see if this was my lucky month! My husband was convinced that this was our moment. But...no. The entire experience was very strange. It was as if I had mentally convinced my body to act pregnant because that is what I wanted. 


Physically we go through a lot when experiencing this tremendous obstacle, it is a wonder that we are not completely unhealthy in every way. 
Next post I am going to talk about the mental challenges that I have experienced, and that you have too, throughout this year. And next post you can find out why I am naming these two "Happy Hunting". :)
~Manifesto

Honest Expression

If I have learned anything in the past year it is simply this; people who do not struggle with infertility care little to hear about it. They do not do this to be mean or callous. Simply, they cannot understand, and it is human nature to avoid what we cannot comprehend. And so I have spent the past year of my life pretending that my every day was not an intense internal battle. I have smiled and joked with others about kids, I have held friend's children in my arms, I have pretended not to notice when people announced their pregnancies, and I have fiend excitement at baby showers. To no avail. Every stinking moment has been shrouded with sorrow, painted with phoniness, and wrapped in the pretty little bow of "No one needs to know."
Every month when that little friend appeared wearing her red cape, I'd pretend I was happy to host her for the week. I've avoided children at grocery stores and church at all costs. I've laid on the ground in my house, in the fetal position, face down, pouring my tears out on that itchy prickly carpet knowing no one could hear my sobs but my dog.
After all of this endurance I have found myself crashing to defeat. And I have felt all alone. But enough is enough. I am done pretending that I do not feel the way that I do. I am done acting as if it does not affect me, to my family and friends. As this year draws to an end (which it will on the 31st of this month) I find myself sickened at this little game.
I will no longer apologize for the truth. I will no longer pretend that this isn't killing me emotionally. It's time to let it all out. And this is where I am going to do it. I am sharing these expressions with you. I hope that by reading this blog you will not feel alone, you will know that I am here crying with you. And if you are not someone struggling with this problem, please read this anyway! Read it so that you too can have empathy for the women and men around you are hurting because of infertility. I am ready to take this on. I hope you will take comfort from it, as I pray it will give me comfort to share it.
~Manifesto