This has been one crazy month for us. Things are happening so quickly, some good some not. This post really isn't about fertility, kids, or family. I'm just feeling expressionate.
It is funny how life teaches lessons; through mistakes, other's mistakes, or through luck. I commonly think about what my purpose here is. My career means a lot to me. My family means even more. Did God know from the get-go that he would trouble me with infertility? Is this just part of my grand tapestry? Or was all of this just fluke...Maybe getting hit in the stomach with one too many soccer balls was my reproductive undoing. Sounds ridiculous. But when you are sitting in my shoes it feels very possible. Was body-building too strenuous on my organs? Or the triathlons? Perhaps my body was troubled by our poor air quality, water pollution, and constant exposure to plastics? The list of possibilities goes on and on and on and on.
This list certainly does not make me feel better. Rather this list makes me feel like I am drowning. Drowning in the ever growing possibilities that something I have done put me in this mess. But I don't believe that this was chance.
I hear people say, "It's just the luck of the draw". But that just simply isn't true. This is all part of some grand plan. My God made this life sketch for me. I certainly don't know why this challenge was included. Ha! It seems so unfair! But I know that God meant for me to experience this. There is some reason...I just have to trek on and find it - I suppose. In reality I look at this issue and realize that I am in the midst of a life changing experience, it seems so surreal. Like watching a car accident in front of your face and not truly recognizing what is happening. I know that this trial compares to many other life changing trials, and is yet smaller in significance than some.
All I can count on is this... God placed this in front of me for a reason. My life will be changed and some lesson will be learned from this. My heart has already changed. I have faith that this was meant to be, not merely a catastrophe in the cosmos of my uterus, this was really plotted. And while that makes me angry one thing is for sure, I have to keep living my life.
So I guess this all boils down to one thing. FAITH. God is trying to teach me faith; and I have never been so faith dependent in my entire life.
Hey! I just found your blog through Becky's. Sorry you have this challenge... I can't imagine what you are experiencing. If it helps at all, my older sister went through a lot of infertility troubles and all the tests. It was tough for her to see me having babies without trying and then for her to be going through all the testing. She finally got pregnant with the help of Clomid. Shortly after she had her first son (at age 28), she was surprised with another son without trying. Two years later their third son surprised them, and four years later and several miscarriages she just had a little girl (at age 38). She knows her children came when they were supposed to, although it wasn't her initial plan.
ReplyDeleteHere is a quote that I love and sits on my desk to be reminded of daily:
"When in situations of stress, we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before, and we were found equal to our tasks; therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed, let us recall the assurance that God will not overprogram us. He will not press upon us more than we can bear. (D&C 50:40)" --- Elder Neal A Maxwell
So something that I learned in my infertility journey is that our world (while overseen by a loving Heavenly Father) is still governed by natural laws. Choices make a difference in our lives, but there are some things that we cannot control. I have a sister with a debilitating illness. Does she deserve it? No. Did she do something to make it happen? No. Her body is just a product of genetics. We lost a baby boy at 18 weeks (he was stillborn). It was the 1st pregnancy that had made it that far (my 3rd). We had no children at the time. We were devastated. It took a long time for me not to blame God or myself for losing him. I have since come to the realization that we went through that experience for a reason, unbeknownst to us. We grew closer as a couple, had empathy for people who lost children, and treasure the living children that we now do have, all the more. While it was difficult to go through, it made us stronger. It also gave me hope (funny as that sounds). It really made me understand what a true miracle a child is. Whether it comes naturally, or from another avenue. Keep the faith! jennifer.turner2008@comcast.net
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