Happy Hunting: Part 2

Well I promised this second edition of "Happy Hunting". And here it is! I will try to hold it together on this one. I know that some of my other posts are hard to read, and today I'm feeling very positive, so I think it will be easy to discuss this. (Maybe easy is not the right word...?)
Without further ado...Here are the mental symptoms I have been experiencing in the past year and few months:
I don't want to list them out casually, I feel that makes my experiences seem like a checklist rather than true feelings. I would have to say that more hard hitting than any emotion I have been experiencing is my sadness. In January of this year it became very apparent to me that I was experiencing Depression, and not just a little twinge of sadness, but true and harrowing Depression (note that I am using a capital D). When Christmas ended and I was off to a new year, with no baby on the way, my life turned upside down. I could not get out of bed, I was eating exorbitant amounts of food, I would cry constantly, being alone was all I wanted, I shoved friends out of my life, I had nightmares, and the list goes on and on. I look back on it and think, wow I am really lucky to have the husband that I do. My husband took it all in stride. He is incredible. He would pull me out of bed and help me dress for the day, he would do the weeks worth of dishes that I just couldn't touch, he would talk me through the tears, hold me through the anger, and always told me I am beautiful. He didn't understand what was going on, neither did I actually, but he proved his love to me even in that (I'm sure hideous) moment. One thing is for sure, I know what Depression feels like, and now I have been given the gift of true empathy for those who are suffering from Depression still.
  Mentally tough? How do you be mentally tough when you feel incapable of performing Mother Nature's call for you? I have always been a mentally strong individual, but infertility completely defeated my abilities. I would look in the mirror at my stomach and weep. I began asking "why?" Why would I be here if I am incapable of producing what my Creator has asked of me?
   I became angry. Like I mentioned before, I was pushing people out of my life left and right. I was losing friendships faster than I was drinking my daily allotment of water! From hindsight I can see how unhealthy that was, what a miserable wretch I was and how unhappy I was making everyone around me! For whatever reason that was how I was coping with my anger...taking it out on others. Then, like a light switch, I realized what I was doing. On one hand I am happy I eliminated the people who did not truly care for me, and found out who really does care. On the other hand I am sad for having pushed those individuals the way I did. My concsience has caught up with me on that one. I suppose there is no better time for reconciliation...
   Infertility; such a sad term. And it happens to include very sad times for the women within its' grasp. It has no mercy. No mercy on the soul, the body, the mind. Eventually the woman experiencing this must move on in one way or another. I see the "moving on options" as pretty clear cut. A. She can live in a sad spiteful world for eternity. B. She can choose to pretend it doesn't bother her. C. She can learn to be at peace with what is going on. Obviously being at peace does not mean there won't be days of sheer Depression and sadness, there undoubtedly will be. But it is a work in progress.


These past two weeks I feel like I have turned a corner. Could I be at peace with this? Has my Faith been renewed in my body? Is it all just a bout of false hope and tomorrow I'll be crying on the stairs again?
I'll tell you about my progress next time. :) But to answer the question about the title: "Why are these posts called 'Happy Hunting'?" Here goes; I have discovered that I am on a Hunt. A Hunt that challenges everything about me. It challenges my spirituality, my Faith, my womanhood, my person. I am Hunting for happiness. This Hunt may be nearing its' end, or it may be just beginning. Isn't that part of the frustration in the Hunt...not knowing if you are close to your prey? I am Hunting for solace, Hunting for answers, Hunting for the fortitude and centralization in myself that will get me through this. Every morning I wake up and think, "Good morning and Happy Hunting."

~Manifesto