Random Thinking

This has been one crazy month for us. Things are happening so quickly, some good some not. This post really isn't about fertility, kids, or family. I'm just feeling expressionate.
It is funny how life teaches lessons; through mistakes, other's mistakes, or through luck. I commonly think about what my purpose here is. My career means a lot to me. My family means even more. Did God know from the get-go that he would trouble me with infertility? Is this just part of my grand tapestry? Or was all of this just fluke...Maybe getting hit in the stomach with one too many soccer balls was my reproductive undoing. Sounds ridiculous. But when you are sitting in my shoes it feels very possible. Was body-building too strenuous on my organs? Or the triathlons? Perhaps my body was troubled by our poor air quality, water pollution, and constant exposure to plastics? The list of possibilities goes on and on and on and on.
This list certainly does not make me feel better. Rather this list makes me feel like I am drowning. Drowning in the ever growing possibilities that something I have done put me in this mess. But I don't believe that this was chance.
I hear people say, "It's just the luck of the draw". But that just simply isn't true. This is all part of some grand plan. My God made this life sketch for me. I certainly don't know why this challenge was included. Ha! It seems so unfair! But I know that God meant for me to experience this. There is some reason...I just have to trek on and find it - I suppose. In reality I look at this issue and realize that I am in the midst of a life changing experience, it seems so surreal. Like watching a car accident in front of your face and not truly recognizing what is happening. I know that this trial compares to many other life changing trials, and is yet smaller in significance than some.
All I can count on is this... God placed this in front of me for a reason. My life will be changed and some lesson will be learned from this. My heart has already changed. I have faith that this was meant to be, not merely a catastrophe in the cosmos of my uterus, this was really plotted. And while that makes me angry one thing is for sure, I have to keep living my life.
So I guess this all boils down to one thing. FAITH. God is trying to teach me faith; and I have never been so faith dependent in my entire life.

Results!

Well my thyroid panel has come back normal. Phew! I was beginning to get worried, each day was mounting a new anxiety about the test results!
The results have however brought some mixed emotions for me...on one hand I was really hoping that my fertility issues could be due to something simple. Not that a thyroid problem is simple by any means! A thyroid issue however is far more simple to fix than; an ovulation problem, implantation problem, etc.(in my opinion). On the other hand I am extremely grateful that my thyroid is healthy. :) I know many women out there are not as lucky.
Now I will be having a full hormone panel done. They will be testing my Luetenizing hormone, Follicle Stimulating Hormone, and so on. My husband is also going to go get a few tests run; i.e. get his semen checked. I thought I was nervous to go to the OB the other day, my husband is all jitters about his semen being tested! Sweet guy. I think maybe he worries that if it is a problem with his reproductive system that I will be turned against his "manhood". He is funny!
Once again...mixed hopes. I hope my body is healthy and normal. But I also hope something simple is the cause of all of this. It is the fear of the unknown. Doing these tests pushes my head to reeling. What if it is not me, what if it is my husband? What if it will cost thousands of dollars to fix it? I don't have that kind of money. These "what if's" seem to be swimming loosely around in my brain- but I insist on remaining positive. I am trying to focus all of my positive energy into my body, and I have faith that one way or another it will all be okay.

~Manifesto

Doctor's Appointment #1... And So It Begins...

Well amidst all the madness occurring around here, I made time to go to the doctor yesterday. I had my regular women's yearly exam. Also, I talked to the OB about this past year and she suggested we go ahead and start doing blood panel testing. I had some blood drawn. We are testing for the usual: FSH, LH, Prolactin, etc. We are also scanning my thyroid. I am so nervous about this next step! I feel like I have been putting off going to a doctor and getting the ball rolling out of fear.
I've been scared that if I go to a doctor and they find something seriously wrong I will have to actually face the fact. But I DID IT! I finally went. A step forward. A cog in my wheel. I am anxious to get these tests back! Fingers crossed!

I also would be extremely negligent and inconsiderate if I did not mention some great news. :) My friend's The Solomon's have possibly found a birth mother who is willing to adopt her bundles (that's rights...twins!) of joy to them. They have been waiting so long for a new addition to their family. Hearing that these two, lovely boys may be going to such a great family really lifts my spirits. The Solomon's deserve this blessing so much! Lots of prayers going out to them.